Time To Clean House?

It's spring cleaning season. Time to clean out the closet, air the dirty linen, get your house in order. It also sounds like what we may need to do regarding our relationships. A while back, Bill Cosby called us out saying that many of us needed indeed to clean up our act. He chastised and criticized the African American community for the demise of the traditional, two-parent family and the high numbers of high school drop-outs, incarcerations, and unwed births. A year later, Dr. Michael Eric Dyson responded with his book, Is Bill Cosby Right? (Or has the Black Middle Class Lost its Mind?), describing Cosby's remarks as a vicious attack on the most vulnerable in our society. Now, author Merisa Parson Davis -a cousin of Cosby -has written a counterpoint to Dr. Dyson's counterpoint in her new title, Bill Cosby Is Right: But What Should the Church Be Doing About It? "Dr. Cosby's words were a wake-up call to the black church," Davis says. "Today, in the age of Obama, we cannot continue to blame white people for everything. While we have an intact, Ivy-league educated African-American two-parent household currently dwelling at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, only 28% of our black children are growing up in the same type of family with their biological mom and dad, who are married to each other. These issues need to be addressed." The author takes a very conservative view, suggesting for example, that Hurricane Katrina happened because "New Orleans history shows a culture full of the occult, murder and rebellion against God." A bit too harsh, simplistic, and superstitious in my opinion, but what do you say?

Advice for Newlyweds

Know anybody getting married any time soon? What advice do you have for them? When you got married, what were the words of wisdom you received? Was any of it worthwhile? My personal favorite saying comes from the comedienne Phyllis Diller (who called her husband Fang) - "Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight." Cleo Lightfoot-Booker comments on the comments she heard as she celebrates her first year of marriage this month. You will remember Lightfoot-Booker as the lead in my March Ebony article. She was the woman who traded in her strong single sister status to become a wife. Read my latest e-zine to hear what she has to say in her own words. (Not a subscriber? - email me at joyjones100@cs.com to be added to the mailing list - it's free!) Then tell me what folks told you about what to expect in marriage with a message here.

What I Couldn't Say in Ebony

"Make sure you say something positive." When I got the assignment from Ebony Magazine to write the State of Black Marriage, quite a few of the people I interviewed made that statement. But I have to tell you, there's not a whole lot of positivity to report. Complicated and unproductive trends are a prominent feature of the state of our relationships. And it's hard to address these issues without stepping on toes or hurting some feelings. The family activists who are giving serious thought to these matters have made some suggestions as to ways we need to change or think differently about our behavior. They had some thoughtful - but hard to hear comments that didn't make it into the article. Here's what they said: Bill Stepney, a family advocate in the New York-New Jersey area said that "The post-sexual revolution generation has a hard time defining on a common basis what marriage means." He pointed out that there is a difference between family formation and merely relationship formation and that we have to stop "decoupling having children from marriage." Nisa Muhammad is the founder and director of Wedded Bliss, an organization based in Washington, DC that promotes black marriage. "Our family structures, although they may seem to be 'politically correct', aren't serving our families very well" she stated. For example, 53% of black children live in low-income families, black teens have a high teen pregnancy rate and our boys' high school graduation rate is only 47% - and the preponderance of these situations are in homes headed by single mothers. "If someone breaks the window on your car, you get your car fixed," said Muhammad. "It seems we should do at least that for our marriages." Serious relationship repair and marriage rehab is in order. I, for one, don't believe in marriage no matter what, no matter who. I have seen enough people caught up in emotionally wretched situations where divorce did seem like a reasonable answer. However, it can't be our first reaction or our only response. We're extraordinarily creative when it comes to arts and entertainment, exceedingly persistent when pursuing our rights. Can't we bring to bear that same exceptional inspired and forceful energy to guide our families into recovery?

Tiger School

Does pressure and punishment make you work harder, perform better, reach higher?  It's not the most fun way to get things done, but stress encouragement and strict discipline has its place, especially if you believe Amy Chua. 

In case you haven't heard, Amy Chua is the author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she talks about some of her child-rearing practices.  Her two daughters were not allowed to have sleepovers or play dates, watch TV, or play computer games.  She forced them to play the musical instrument of her choice and spend loads of time practicing.  If they brought home any grade less than an A, they were insulted and punished - even for an A-minus.  


On one occasion, when her daughter was making mistakes playing the piano, Chua threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, and no birthday presents for the next two to four years.  Chua told her daughter she was 'lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic." 

  

In another incident, she made her then 3 year old stand outdoors until she performed better at her first music lesson - in 20 degree weather.

Chua's approach - which she says is not uncommon among Asian American parents - is aggressive, ambitious, some say abusive.  But it does yield results: one daughter has played piano at Carnegie Hall and Asian American students in general have a reputation for excelling at academic achievement and being a dominant presence in science and math careers.  However, this approach may not be as alien an approach as you may think. 

Chua's tiger techniques are already in play - in the arena of sports.  Coaches often have a reputation for an attitude of tough luck, buddy - if you can't tolerate the tough love and tough tactics that are a requirement to be on the team.

Challenging players, sometimes by insulting, threatening or punishing them is often the rule of the day.  To excel as an athlete one is charged with constant daily practice and forgoing hanging out with friends, watching TV, playing computer games.  The expectation is for the athlete to bring his A-game - anything less just won't cut it.  It's not enough simply to play a good game, you have to win it.

The result is that African Americans have a reputation for excelling at athletic achievement and being a dominant presence in professional sports. 

Chua calls herself a 'Tiger mother' because the tiger is a symbol of strength and power which inspires fear and respect.  

Only 50% of black students graduate from high school.

Is it time we also took a 'Tiger' approach to academics?

Blog it out:  Are we too lax in promoting academic achievement?

From High Tech to High Touch

STweeting. Texting. Talking on the cell. High tech has its place but some things about the human experience don't change. You can post your pic online in search of romance, but rhythm trumps wired. According to a British study released last month, men who dance well attract more women.

Psychologists at the Northumbria University in England showed videotapes of dancers to women and asked them to choose which males they were most attracted to. Men whose movements were large and expansive, and yes, who had more swagger, got the highest ratings. Specifically, women liked moves with more twisting and bending of a guy's knee and larger head and torso movements.  

Researchers believe that these moves indicate vigor and strength in a way that showcases a man's better overall health. The research only reflects what my girlfriends had always told me: a good dancer is likely to be a good lover. Although there's more to love than a few fancy dance steps, it's worth it to know how. I'm an avid hand dancer and for those of you who don't know, hand dancing is the DC term for swing dancing - you know, dancing where the partners actually touch and interact with each other.
Partnered dancing has been described as "the vertical expression of a horizontal desire." It's desire without the danger and sex without the sin. I'm here to tell you, nothing in cyberspace is cooler than hand dancing - swinging out in a rapid turn, being drawn into a close embrace, and tuning into all the nonverbal cues that reveal whether or not the two of you truly click. A virtual connection just can't compare to the visceral, physical, primal communication of dance. 

Dance beats digital.

So what do you think - do good dancers make good partners?

What Does It Mean To Be A Man? by Lafayette Trawick

What does it truly mean to be a man?  Ok, there's the obvious genetic appendage hangin’ low.  But that makes you a male.  What makes you a man?  It's a simple question, but one that many cannot answer.

Let's start with the mass media definition. (3 types)

1. Homer Simpson type - bumbling, stumbling and generally surrounded by his wife and children.  He's harmless and cute and never taken seriously.

2. Action hero type - Can't seem to put two coherent sentences together, Bulging biceps, foul language, and fast women are his life.

3. Whatever a woman thinks your definition should be?

While most people agree the two above male types do not and should not reflect what it is to be a man, many boys take their masculinity cues from the media.  Why?  Because their biological father is long gone and does not provide an example for his boys to follow.  And when I say gone, I don't just mean physical absence.  Fathers can still be in the household but emotionally absent.

How is a father emotionally absent?  By not making his kids a priority.  Nor his marriage.  Remember that the most alluring mistress is most often not a young hot secretary that works with the father, but the job itself.  We are a nation that engrosses ourselves so much in work to the detriment of our family that many of us can rightly call our jobs our mistresses. We can easily use the excuse that we're trying to provide for our family.  But it's not enough to provide our kids with financial prosperity.  In fact, that's not even in the top 10 list.  What does it profit our kids to gain the world and lose their soul?

So what is true masculinity?  It is also definitely not defined by what a woman thinks a man should be either. If this were so, then men would be lost and only defined by what a woman thinks he should be. NO, If I had to choose just one characteristic, it would be self-sacrifice.  We often think of such acts of self-sacrifice (read heroism or courage) out on the battlefield with a soldier throwing himself on a live grenade to save another, or stepping in front of a tank to push his buddy out of harm's way.  But true self-sacrifice is a way of life, not just one event.

Self-sacrifice in marriage:  Wow, this is a big one.  As men, we need to put aside our (perceived) needs and put our wife's desires ahead of our own.  And that means the little things too.  Like taking out the garbage.  Or cleaning the gutter we promised to take care of a couple months ago, cleaning out your wife's car, vacuuming and detailing it just to show her you love her.  Will it be a big pain?  Yes.  But that's what real men do - sacrifice themselves for those they love.

Self-sacrifice in parenting:   One of the things about my dad I will never forget is his self-sacrifice on my behalf. 

Self-sacrificing as a parent is making your time your kids' time.  It means turning off 60 Minutes or putting away a company spreadsheet and taking your kids to batting practice.  Or piano recital.  Or helping them build a fort out of pillows.  It's putting aside what you want for what they want.  And eventually you find you enjoy hanging out with your kids more than you could ever have imagined.

To sum it up simply, I propose true masculinity is not found in the size of your biceps or the thickness of your wallet but in the depth of your heart.

Where your heart is, there your treasure is also.

 

Blogging since 2007, LaFayette Trawick is a community activist involved in the mentoring of urban youth and planned partnering with fatherhood and faith-based mentoring initiatives. Specifically, Birthfathers Support Network, Fathers Now, F.E.L.L.A.S, Young Fathers Program (UMDNJ) & REAL DADS. These programs are designed to help fathers meet the obligations of fatherhood and to provide assistance in helping them fulfill their potential by enhancing their ability to meet the financial, educational, social and emotional demands of fatherhood. The goal is to stregthen and foster family development, improve child-parent relationships, reduce child neglect and abuse and promote family planning. For speaking requests and program planning email: lafayette.trawick@gmail.com
 

Searching for a Signal - the debut

Wow.  I started the day with a headache and ended it on a high.  I was worried that something would go wrong, no one would show up - that there would be an uh-oh that I wouldn't be able to correct.  But it was a fabulous experience for me - thanks to you.  It was so great to see so many friendly faces.  Thank you a thousand times for your support!  I felt the love - so let me send it back at ya - a thousand fold!