College + Marriage = Trouble?

One of the benefits of higher education is a stronger marriage - unless you're a black woman.

Women who go to college are less likely to divorce but this advantage doesn't accrue to African American women. That's according to a study done by Dr. Jeounghee Kim, assistant professor at Rutgers School of Social Work.

Dr. Kim's research followed couples starting from 1975 to 1979 and ending in 1995 to 1999. Her analysis took into consideration age, geographic location, motherhood status and educational levels at the time of the marriage. Educated white couples showed a decline in divorces over a nine year period. For African American couples, there was an increase in the dissolution of marriages during the eighties before declining among the 1990-1994 cohort. Marriages that resulted in long-term separation and not just legal divorce were both considered a dissolution of the marriage.

You can read more about the study at: http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/03/10/college-fails-to-protect-african-american-women-from-divorce/52397.html.

Black women can address this phenomenon in a couple of ways:
- Marry educated men of other races.
- Marry black men regardless of their level of education.

But what I'd like to know is what stops so many African American men from attending college - and what support, encouragement or change in mindset would make the difference?

News from Joy Jones at The Spoken Word

Greetings!

Are you concerned about marriage, courtship, divorce, dating and living single? Of course you are because you read and responded to "Marriage is for White People." The articles below feature information of interest regarding male-female relationships.

The Spoken Word is a non-profit organization that uses the arts and culture to address issues in the community. Visit us online at www.TheSpokenWordOnline.org.

Sincerely,

Joy Jones, Director
The Spoken Word

What Happens When 'Mama Don't Need A Man?'

What Happens When 'Mama Don't Need A Man?'  by Joy Jones Deep. And frighteningly close to the truth. When I saw this cartoon, I HAD to contact the man who created it. It's the brainchild of the owner and founder of SaienceMedia.com, a digital office space for professional social marketing products and services. Here's what Saience had to say about what led to this progression of thought: "Children are usually very protective about their Mother's feelings. The Father is leaving out the door, but why is the mystery. The children's conclusions are related to how Mom is feeling. No child that loves their Mom truly wants to become anything or symbolize anything that has caused her pain. So the suggestion here is that, the young boy doesn't want to be a Man if Men are the source of his Mother's pain. A natural conclusion that obviously transforms into an unhealthy choice over time." Clearly, this is NOT the message we want to send our girls and boys. But when a situation is painful, what can bring relief without vilifying the man, victimizing the woman or damaging the children? Saience stated: "I think we all want to be with someone who will bring out the best in us. We want stability as well as growth. We are like plants in that way, we don't stay in places where there is no sunlight. As long as we are creating a growing, nutrient rich environment we can have lasting relationships. But if the relationship is too demanding, too complicated, then it can become too toxic. That could be why most of our relationships fail." Evidently, many of us are planted with too little sunlight and too much pain. Someone once told me that the word PAIN represents - Please Address the Inner Need. What is the inner need couples are missing? What need of yours do you feel gets neglected? And how can it be addressed?                         Add your comments below....

A Story Gift for Valentine's Day

A Story Gift for Valentine's Day  by Joy Jones This Valentine's Day I will be part of Ballou Senior High School's African American Read-In. The Read-In has been endorsed by the International Reading Association. Over a million readers of all ethnic groups from the United States, the District of Columbia, the West Indies, African countries, and more have participated. The goal is to make the celebration of African American literacy a traditional part of Black History Month activities. Be a valentine and Share Your LOVE of Books with Us! Donate on behalf of The Story Gift Project in order for us to buy lots of books to giveaway to students! Contributions are tax deductible. Here's how to give: Checks made payable to: Friends of Ballou/Community Foundation of the National Capital Region. Mailed to: Ballou Senior High School 3401 Fourth Street SE Washington D.C. 20032 ATTENTION: Melissa Jackson, Librarian Online donations are accepted www.cfncr.org. Click "Donate Now" at the top of the page. In the drop-down menu, specify "Friends of Ballou - In honor of the library." Donate here....

Time To Clean House?

It's spring cleaning season. Time to clean out the closet, air the dirty linen, get your house in order. It also sounds like what we may need to do regarding our relationships. A while back, Bill Cosby called us out saying that many of us needed indeed to clean up our act. He chastised and criticized the African American community for the demise of the traditional, two-parent family and the high numbers of high school drop-outs, incarcerations, and unwed births. A year later, Dr. Michael Eric Dyson responded with his book, Is Bill Cosby Right? (Or has the Black Middle Class Lost its Mind?), describing Cosby's remarks as a vicious attack on the most vulnerable in our society. Now, author Merisa Parson Davis -a cousin of Cosby -has written a counterpoint to Dr. Dyson's counterpoint in her new title, Bill Cosby Is Right: But What Should the Church Be Doing About It? "Dr. Cosby's words were a wake-up call to the black church," Davis says. "Today, in the age of Obama, we cannot continue to blame white people for everything. While we have an intact, Ivy-league educated African-American two-parent household currently dwelling at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, only 28% of our black children are growing up in the same type of family with their biological mom and dad, who are married to each other. These issues need to be addressed." The author takes a very conservative view, suggesting for example, that Hurricane Katrina happened because "New Orleans history shows a culture full of the occult, murder and rebellion against God." A bit too harsh, simplistic, and superstitious in my opinion, but what do you say?

Advice for Newlyweds

Know anybody getting married any time soon? What advice do you have for them? When you got married, what were the words of wisdom you received? Was any of it worthwhile? My personal favorite saying comes from the comedienne Phyllis Diller (who called her husband Fang) - "Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight." Cleo Lightfoot-Booker comments on the comments she heard as she celebrates her first year of marriage this month. You will remember Lightfoot-Booker as the lead in my March Ebony article. She was the woman who traded in her strong single sister status to become a wife. Read my latest e-zine to hear what she has to say in her own words. (Not a subscriber? - email me at joyjones100@cs.com to be added to the mailing list - it's free!) Then tell me what folks told you about what to expect in marriage with a message here.

What I Couldn't Say in Ebony

"Make sure you say something positive." When I got the assignment from Ebony Magazine to write the State of Black Marriage, quite a few of the people I interviewed made that statement. But I have to tell you, there's not a whole lot of positivity to report. Complicated and unproductive trends are a prominent feature of the state of our relationships. And it's hard to address these issues without stepping on toes or hurting some feelings. The family activists who are giving serious thought to these matters have made some suggestions as to ways we need to change or think differently about our behavior. They had some thoughtful - but hard to hear comments that didn't make it into the article. Here's what they said: Bill Stepney, a family advocate in the New York-New Jersey area said that "The post-sexual revolution generation has a hard time defining on a common basis what marriage means." He pointed out that there is a difference between family formation and merely relationship formation and that we have to stop "decoupling having children from marriage." Nisa Muhammad is the founder and director of Wedded Bliss, an organization based in Washington, DC that promotes black marriage. "Our family structures, although they may seem to be 'politically correct', aren't serving our families very well" she stated. For example, 53% of black children live in low-income families, black teens have a high teen pregnancy rate and our boys' high school graduation rate is only 47% - and the preponderance of these situations are in homes headed by single mothers. "If someone breaks the window on your car, you get your car fixed," said Muhammad. "It seems we should do at least that for our marriages." Serious relationship repair and marriage rehab is in order. I, for one, don't believe in marriage no matter what, no matter who. I have seen enough people caught up in emotionally wretched situations where divorce did seem like a reasonable answer. However, it can't be our first reaction or our only response. We're extraordinarily creative when it comes to arts and entertainment, exceedingly persistent when pursuing our rights. Can't we bring to bear that same exceptional inspired and forceful energy to guide our families into recovery?

Tiger School

Does pressure and punishment make you work harder, perform better, reach higher?  It's not the most fun way to get things done, but stress encouragement and strict discipline has its place, especially if you believe Amy Chua. 

In case you haven't heard, Amy Chua is the author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she talks about some of her child-rearing practices.  Her two daughters were not allowed to have sleepovers or play dates, watch TV, or play computer games.  She forced them to play the musical instrument of her choice and spend loads of time practicing.  If they brought home any grade less than an A, they were insulted and punished - even for an A-minus.  


On one occasion, when her daughter was making mistakes playing the piano, Chua threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, and no birthday presents for the next two to four years.  Chua told her daughter she was 'lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic." 

  

In another incident, she made her then 3 year old stand outdoors until she performed better at her first music lesson - in 20 degree weather.

Chua's approach - which she says is not uncommon among Asian American parents - is aggressive, ambitious, some say abusive.  But it does yield results: one daughter has played piano at Carnegie Hall and Asian American students in general have a reputation for excelling at academic achievement and being a dominant presence in science and math careers.  However, this approach may not be as alien an approach as you may think. 

Chua's tiger techniques are already in play - in the arena of sports.  Coaches often have a reputation for an attitude of tough luck, buddy - if you can't tolerate the tough love and tough tactics that are a requirement to be on the team.

Challenging players, sometimes by insulting, threatening or punishing them is often the rule of the day.  To excel as an athlete one is charged with constant daily practice and forgoing hanging out with friends, watching TV, playing computer games.  The expectation is for the athlete to bring his A-game - anything less just won't cut it.  It's not enough simply to play a good game, you have to win it.

The result is that African Americans have a reputation for excelling at athletic achievement and being a dominant presence in professional sports. 

Chua calls herself a 'Tiger mother' because the tiger is a symbol of strength and power which inspires fear and respect.  

Only 50% of black students graduate from high school.

Is it time we also took a 'Tiger' approach to academics?

Blog it out:  Are we too lax in promoting academic achievement?

From High Tech to High Touch

STweeting. Texting. Talking on the cell. High tech has its place but some things about the human experience don't change. You can post your pic online in search of romance, but rhythm trumps wired. According to a British study released last month, men who dance well attract more women.

Psychologists at the Northumbria University in England showed videotapes of dancers to women and asked them to choose which males they were most attracted to. Men whose movements were large and expansive, and yes, who had more swagger, got the highest ratings. Specifically, women liked moves with more twisting and bending of a guy's knee and larger head and torso movements.  

Researchers believe that these moves indicate vigor and strength in a way that showcases a man's better overall health. The research only reflects what my girlfriends had always told me: a good dancer is likely to be a good lover. Although there's more to love than a few fancy dance steps, it's worth it to know how. I'm an avid hand dancer and for those of you who don't know, hand dancing is the DC term for swing dancing - you know, dancing where the partners actually touch and interact with each other.
Partnered dancing has been described as "the vertical expression of a horizontal desire." It's desire without the danger and sex without the sin. I'm here to tell you, nothing in cyberspace is cooler than hand dancing - swinging out in a rapid turn, being drawn into a close embrace, and tuning into all the nonverbal cues that reveal whether or not the two of you truly click. A virtual connection just can't compare to the visceral, physical, primal communication of dance. 

Dance beats digital.

So what do you think - do good dancers make good partners?