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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What I Couldn't Say in Ebony


"Make sure you say something positive."

When I got the assignment from Ebony Magazine to write the State of Black Marriage, quite a few of the people I interviewed made that statement. But I have to tell you, there's not a whole lot of positivity to report. Complicated and unproductive trends are a prominent feature of the state of our relationships. And it's hard to address these issues without stepping on toes or hurting some feelings.

The family activists who are giving serious thought to these matters have made some suggestions as to ways we need to change or think differently about our behavior. They had some thoughtful - but hard to hear comments that didn't make it into the article. Here's what they said:

Bill Stepney, a family advocate in the New York-New Jersey area said that "The post-sexual revolution generation has a hard time defining on a common basis what marriage means." He pointed out that there is a difference between family formation and merely relationship formation and that we have to stop "decoupling having children from marriage."

Nisa Muhammad is the founder and director of Wedded Bliss, an organization based in Washington, DC that promotes black marriage. "Our family structures, although they may seem to be 'politically correct', aren't serving our families very well" she stated.

For example, 53% of black children live in low-income families, black teens have a high teen pregnancy rate and our boys' high school graduation rate is only 47% - and the preponderance of these situations are in homes headed by single mothers.

"If someone breaks the window on your car, you get your car fixed," said Muhammad. "It seems we should do at least that for our marriages."

Serious relationship repair and marriage rehab is in order. I, for one, don't believe in marriage no matter what, no matter who. I have seen enough people caught up in emotionally wretched situations where divorce did seem like a reasonable answer.

However, it can't be our first reaction or our only response. We're extraordinarily creative when it comes to arts and entertainment, exceedingly persistent when pursuing our rights. Can't we bring to bear that same exceptional inspired and forceful energy to guide our families into recovery? 

posted by Joy Jones @ 4:52 AM  

5 Comments:

  • At February 23, 2011 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My thought is this: societies must support marriage emotionally, socially,
    physically and financially. Without such support - two people have too
    much hard work ahead of them and will give up eventually. Especially since
    everything is working against their union.

     

  • At March 03, 2011 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I read your article in March Ebony and the saddest phrase I saw there is 'marriage is for white people.' When I read this I knew that we as a people are indeed lost in this country. African-Americans have the lowest statistics for marriage and one can't help but think that this is also why we have the lowest performing kids. Oh I have heard all the arguments - poverty, racism etc but the Black Africans who also suffer racism seem to have a high rate of marriage and therefore their children are high performing, sometimes outperforming even white and Asian kids see link
    http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5791096.html

    It is quite depressing what is happening to us. I think we should encourage our children to commit to long partnerships, including same sex relationships if neccessary and teach them how to do this.Two parents are usually better than one. Black men being seen as dead beats has done more to damage our community than anything else.
    I hope we will all join in this cause for the sake of the next generation. I have started with my children.

     

  • At March 17, 2011 8:58 PM, Anonymous Sister Nijah said…

    Joy, I really was provoked into thoughtfulness by your article. I think about my relationship all the time. Only, I usually examine it for the pro of cons of my relationship with the brother. Your article gave me a lot more to think about and especially a wider dimension of what is possible with a serious partnership. I really am concerned about the direction and stability of our Black race. As one person you interviewed in your article said-the first unit in the village is the family. I believe children should have a Mom and a Dad. I just wish Black Men and Black Women would work it out with themselves to unite. I suppose our churches would have to explain to us the necesity of marriage as far as the sacrementalness of it. I'm an older woman and at present I have a long standing relationship with a brother, only we cohabit. I use to bring up to him about actually getting married. I stopped after a while---because the relationship had become less appealing for me emotionally. I do know that what keeps me in the relationship is the value of our partnership. Very importantly is that monogamy helps my emotions be a lot less confused, which has been very good for my self esteem. Also, because we are a partnership, we are among the leaders of our wider family, because we are looked to as a positive example of unity and unity helps there be harmony. There is a young woman in the family whom will be married very shortly . . . I am very happy about this. I think a lot about what is pleasing to our Creator. I think, to marry is a very upright thing to do. Still, I also believe that I must please the Creator that I am monogamous. Well, I don't know if it's part of being born of the sexual revolution of the 70's or that the possibility of marriage never quite presented itself in my life, but what's most important to me is unity between Black Men and Black Women, by any means necessary. I still do think, the question of marriage is something we all really should go to our churches to answer. Thank you so much for the content of your article. What you wrote about is truly pertinent.

     

  • At April 11, 2011 3:03 PM, Anonymous Brenda said…

    I may be old fashion, but I believe the sexual revolution has proven to be a "slippery slope" downward for the family. I believe in the Biblical mandate for marriage even though I haven't followed it to perfection. I do believe it sets a standard that protects the family and the children produced. I believe that marriage is a commitment above all. You will not always "feel" in love, but if you are committed and remain faithful it will be better for all parties involved and our community. And the positive thing is, if we change our ways, healing will come.

    Brenda B.

     

  • At April 12, 2011 11:14 AM, Anonymous Fran said…

    Some of the advice I received was both funny and true.
    "The first six months, you can eat your spouse with a spoon. The next six months, you'll wish you had done so!"
    "The things you thought were so cute about your spouse while you were dating will become irritating as hell when you get married."

    My thought is that marriage is a work in progress, and I do mean "work". However, I don't think most newlyweds these days are committed to the "work".

    Fran R.

     

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